How to host The Circle

Earlier this week, otherwise respectable members of society were forcibly made aware of the existence of a morning panel show called The Circle. Judging by the news clips shown, the show is hosted by a panel of non-threatening looking women and former journalist George Negus.

Commenting on footage of Special Air Services soldier Ben Roberts-Smith exercising in a pool, the panel offered up some cracking examples of humour. One of the hosts, Yumi Stynes, remarked that the Corporal was probably diving down to the bottom to search for a brain, humorously mocking the low entry standards of the special forces. However, the remark was met with widespread condemnation and a withdrawal of support by the show's advertisers.

As an experienced mirthsmith, I understand the pitfalls of crafting humour. Occasionally, a joke will not strike the chord it was intended for. So it's for Yumi that I offer up this guide to making jokes, with several examples based around the desired reaction.

Type of humour: Teasing

Clearly, Ms Stynes aimed to get a laugh by teasing the Corporal in the tried and true Australian fashion. Stereotyping his solid physical build, she made the assumption that he must be lacking in intelligence, and accused him of not having a brain.

Better joke: "The women in Afghanistan must put up a fight, because he looks pretty fit!"

Taking another stereotype, that all soldiers are rapists, and using it to tease not only the Corporal but also the women of Afghanistan offers a two-pronged approach at humour, which will cater to both sides of the discussion around the war. Anti-war types will laugh at the rape assumption, whilst right-wing proponents of the war will laugh at the idea of anybody wanting to have sex with a foreigner.

Type of joke: Offensive

Comedians have been known to make their jokes deliberately offensive, in order to push boundaries and make their audience laugh at the inappropriateness of the joke.

Better joke: "This guy got a Victoria Cross for killing brown people? We'd better give one to the rocks at Christmas Island then."

By intentionally misconstruing the reason for the Corporal's award, and using racism to link it to the deaths of dozens of other people from that general area, Ms Stynes could assure herself of causing maximum offence to everybody, thereby causing her joke to achieve critical mass and swallow the entire world.

Bonus advice: George Negus

Veteran newsreader George Negus also came under fire, for speculating that the Corporal was probably an inadequate lover. I'm baffled as to why the show's only 69-year old male panellist was wondering about Roberts-Smith's sexual performance, but whatever. I'm just a humour consultant.

"I'd give my own performance a perfect Ten!"

Suggested improvements:

Since George is clearly preoccupied by the build of the Corporal, we'll stay on a sexual theme with the suggested better jokes.

"His muscles are all so big that he probably has a small penis. That's factual, you can trust me on it. I used to be a reporter."

"Women don't want a man that looks like a fridge, they're attracted to great pubic hair and thirty-year old Logies."

"I feel sorry for his wife; all that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder probably causes impotence."

South Sydney Rabbitohs name 12 additional captains

After announcing that the 2012 captaincy will be split amongst five players, the South Sydney Rabbitohs have decided to extend the policy and have named an additional dozen captains of the side.

The five original captains, Michael Crocker, John Sutton, Roy Asotasi, Matt King, and Sam Burgess, will be joined by the remaining players named in the side each week.

"It's an exciting development," said owner Russell Crowe. "Melbourne used a rotating captaincy system to win the minor premiership in 2006, and we're taking it one step further by extending the leadership group to include every single player in the team."

Head coach Michael Maguire was tight-lipped about the finer details of the team structure, but hinted that it was very likely all the players would be captain in every game.

"For a long time now, the only thing we've had a chance at winning on the field is the coin toss," he said. "Now, rather than only one player enjoying that success, the entire team get to play a part in the victory."

If successful, the club plans to extend the captaincy beyond the first 17 and include players from other clubs, as well as people from outside rugby league.

"Cameron Smith is a great leader; we'd love to have him on board as a co-captain," said Crowe. "And I've always been a fan of Ben Hornby. I think that, along with Ridley Scott, Margaret Thatcher, and Ben Kenobi, they'll make for the strongest leadership in the NRL."

Shocking Secrets of the Soviet Supermen

The Cold War was a time of huge technological leaps, especially in terms of military hardware. Unknown to the rest of the world, the USSR were breeding a new race of super-soldiers, more powerful and destructive than anything the West could offer. Now, 20 years after the fall of the Soviet Union, we can finally reveal photographic evidence of this shocking program.

Having intercepted American transmissions of the television show The Incredible Hulk, the first program aimed to replicate the secrets of Lou Ferrigno's powers. Students were bombarded with extreme amounts of gamma rays in order to alter their DNA.

The second phase of this program was, of course, to inspire the kind of anger that caused the Hulk's transformation. To achieve this, the subjects were forced to shit in coffee cups while a photographer took their picture and teased them about the size of their genitals. In the background, you can see one of the subjects spazzing out and beginning the transformation process.

Unfortunately, upon reaching adulthood, the subjects refused to fight Americans, preferring instead to wear tiny tank tops, flex for exclusively male crowds, and visit bath houses.

Everyone has seen the photos of tanks and rockets paraded through Red Square; these children actually led the parades. The signs their handlers hold up say 'Beware, Americans!' and 'NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!'

Another program involved increasing muscle density so that subjects were stronger. This is the secret behind all the gold medals the Soviets won for weightlifting. As you can see in the photo, thisregular-looking office secretary actually weighs four hundred kilograms.

Donald Trump comments on bin Laden: "Where's the Death Certificate?"

REUTERS: In the aftermath of President Obama claiming to have finally found and killed notorious Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Donald Trump has called for more proof that the terrorist is, in fact, dead.

"Sure, Obama says he has the body in his possession, but where's the long-form Death Certificate?" asked the potential 2012 Republican candidate.
Trump has pointed out the long-running rumours that bin Laden had been hiding in Afghanistan, when the US claims to have killed him in Pakistan.

The reality TV stalwart also cites conflicting reports - over whether bin Laden was killed in a compound, or a mansion, as first reported.

"I am saying I want to see the death certificate. It's very simple. How come Obama's own operatives don't know what kind of building bin Laden was killed in? How come -- forget about death certificates. Let's say there is no death certificate. How come in the compound itself, okay? In the compound itself, there's no records of his death. In other words, it doesn't say how much they paid, where is the shooter, here's your room bill."

Critics of Trump have called him racist, accusing him of only asking for a Death Certificate because bin Laden is an Arab, and that no white terrorist has ever come under such scrutiny.

"Put it this way, he's never asked for Timothy McVeigh's Death Certificate," said one source.

The Government's Carbon Tax, explained graphically

In My Defence, by Judith Slade

NTFSD has brought you some exclusive content in the past. We broke the news that Hosni Mubarak had stepped down as President of Egypt, and spread to the world the edited texts of Charlie Sheen's diaries from rehab. Now, in another first for the site, accused 'hoon' Judith Slade, 82, sat down with us to discuss her recent traffic violations.
As she is currently housebound and unable to drive, we met at her house, a typical regional Victorian abode. Outside, her dog Aca runs freely through the yard, chasing a flock of galahs that are pecking through the lawn. The distant sound of his yapping floats in through the screen door.
Judith carries herself with the typical no-nonsense manner of country women her age, gruff and to the point.




Estoban Diecesiete: Good afternoon, Judith, and thanks for your time. Let's get right into it. You made headlines six months ago when you lost your licence, and found yourself again in the news after being booked for drink-driving over the weekend.
You've been branded a hoon by the Herald Sun, and it's readers have floated a number of reasons behind your behaviour; that you're an arrogant, unrepentant, irresponsible driver; that you don't understand the severity of your actions; or that you're batshit insane and need to be put down. You've got the stage now; what do you have to say to those people?

Judith Slade: Oh, bugger you lot. I didn't do any harm. It's quite cruel that they're treating me this way.

ED: When you were booked for drink driving, you seemed surprised that unlicenced drivers are expected to have zero blood alcohol. Didn't it occur to you that unlicenced drivers aren't actually meant to be driving at all?

JS: If they didn't want me to drive unlicenced, they shouldn't have taken my licence off me, should they?

ED: That... makes some kind of sense, I imagine. Now, when you originally lost your licence for speeding at 164km/h, you blamed the speed on your dog playfully jumping on your leg and forcing the accelerator-

JS: (interrupting) No. I didn't say that.

ED: Er... you did blame your dog for it...

JS: I never said 'playfully'.

ED: (pausing) What do you mean?

Judith swallows, seeming a little nervous. It's the first time I've seen her uneasy. She shifts in her chair and loosens her collar.

JS: I mean, he meant to make me speed.

ED: I don't understand. You mean your dog knowingly forced you to speed? Why would he do that?

JS: Well, I was seeing my secret lover that weekend, and we were driving behind his car at the time. Aca has been acting differently since I started seeing this man, and...

ED: Are you implying that your dog tried to commit vehicular manslaughter against your lover out of jealousy?

JS: Yes.

I pause, looking down at my notes. I originally saw this as an opportunity to make fun of an octegenarian; now, I had been given the wonderful gift of a crazy woman, too. Maybe there is a god.

ED: Okay, what about this weekend's incident: you were caught drink-driving to get a powersaw, which you said was for home renovations. What kind of home renovations does a drunk 82-year old need to do with a power saw, really?

JS: I wasn't caught driving; the police came to my door after I'd parked the car. They only know because somebody called them and told them.

ED: Do you know who that was?

She shoots a nervous glance out the window; I notice, almost subconsciously, that Aca's barking has stopped.

ED: Come on, you're not saying that the dog called the cops? Why would he dob you in?

JS: The papers never said that the police took the power saw.

Suddenly, it dawns on me. I lean in, a soft expression on my face, taking a sympathetic tone of voice.

ED: Judith, by 'home renovations' you actually mean 'executing your dog', don't you?

She nods at me slowly, a sadness older than myself lingering in her eyes. I can't believe that this 82 year old repeat hoon just confessed that she was going to brutally murder her dog. This is a comedy goldmine. I smugly allow myself to wet my pants, just a little bit.

ED: So, why such a brutal method of death for him? Why not just put him in a sack and throw him into a river somewhere?

JS: He's far too smart for that. I was planning on making it look like an accident; like I was cutting a sunroof into his kennel for him, but then slipped repeatedly and cut him into tiny pieces, and then burnt them in a church.

I scoff.

ED: Oh come on, you're really going over the top here now-

Judith is frozen, staring over my shoulder. Her lip starts to quiver, and I see tears forming in her eyes. Turning to see what she's looking at, I find myself facing Aca, who sits motionless at the window, save for the slow shaking of his head, like he's saying No, Judith, No.
You can see in his eyes that he is dead inside.

ED: Well, that's bizarre. Apart from trying to run your lover off the road, what else has Aca done?

Judith doesn't take her eyes off the dog as she whispers her answer to me, so quietly it barely makes a sound.

JS: 9/11.

ED: Well. That's about all I need for my article. I'll show myself out.

I gather my things and head for the door, chuckling to myself. Opening the door, I find Aca sitting silently on the doormat, looking at me with those dead eyes.

ED: Why, hello there, little fella. Did you want to come inside and play with your mummy?

He stands, slowly and deliberately, and walks into the house. I close the door behind me and get into my car, still giggling about the crazy woman. Neon Trees come on the radio, and I start singing along. With the sun beating down from a cloudless sky and a soft breeze rustling through the trees, I pull out of the driveway, leaving the sounds of crying and chainsaws behind me.

The secret ingredient is out! (it's semen.)

Headlines were made today when a supermarket employee handing out yoghurt was arrested after accusations that the yoghurt tasted of semen. The victim alleges that he contaminated the yoghurt with his ejaculate, a refreshing change to the popular 'spraying it all over her face' method.







The woman claimed she spat the yoghurt out immediately after she tasted semen.
Instantly, this brings some questions to mind.
- What semen-to-yoghurt ratio is required for the semen flavour to overpower that of the yoghurt?
- As a sub-question, was the yoghurt flavoured or natural?
- Did the employee masturbate directly into the yoghurt, at work, or did he collect his semen at home and bring it into the supermarket with him, like in a zip-loc bag, or maybe a tupperware container?




This incident has raised memories of other surprising finds in seemingly regular foods over the years:

- A Kentucky Fried Chicken customer is horrified to discover, in a bucket of breasts, wings, and legs, a deep fried human testicle;
- Kelloggs are forced to recall ten thousand units of Sultana Bran after it is discovered that, in an understandable factory mixup, the bran flakes have been replaced with scabs;
- A popular Sydney bakery is closed down after it is discovered that the proprieter had been sneaking into the premises overnight and reading erotic poetry to the pies;
- Coca-Cola admits to inviting all staff to spit into their product in a blatant act of disdain for customers;
- Lewis Simpson, of Frankston, Victoria, makes national headlines when he buys one dozen chicken eggs from Coles, which all hatch into snakes;
- To make their gum more chewy, Wrigleys add pieces of recycled condoms to the mix;
- A Korean restaurant in Parramatta becomes the talk of the town when Department of Health tests reveal that not one single dish contains traces of dog meat;
- Not one existing consumer is deterred when it is revealed that McDonalds actively encourage their staff to hide pubes in the burgers.