How to host The Circle

Earlier this week, otherwise respectable members of society were forcibly made aware of the existence of a morning panel show called The Circle. Judging by the news clips shown, the show is hosted by a panel of non-threatening looking women and former journalist George Negus.

Commenting on footage of Special Air Services soldier Ben Roberts-Smith exercising in a pool, the panel offered up some cracking examples of humour. One of the hosts, Yumi Stynes, remarked that the Corporal was probably diving down to the bottom to search for a brain, humorously mocking the low entry standards of the special forces. However, the remark was met with widespread condemnation and a withdrawal of support by the show's advertisers.

As an experienced mirthsmith, I understand the pitfalls of crafting humour. Occasionally, a joke will not strike the chord it was intended for. So it's for Yumi that I offer up this guide to making jokes, with several examples based around the desired reaction.

Type of humour: Teasing

Clearly, Ms Stynes aimed to get a laugh by teasing the Corporal in the tried and true Australian fashion. Stereotyping his solid physical build, she made the assumption that he must be lacking in intelligence, and accused him of not having a brain.

Better joke: "The women in Afghanistan must put up a fight, because he looks pretty fit!"

Taking another stereotype, that all soldiers are rapists, and using it to tease not only the Corporal but also the women of Afghanistan offers a two-pronged approach at humour, which will cater to both sides of the discussion around the war. Anti-war types will laugh at the rape assumption, whilst right-wing proponents of the war will laugh at the idea of anybody wanting to have sex with a foreigner.

Type of joke: Offensive

Comedians have been known to make their jokes deliberately offensive, in order to push boundaries and make their audience laugh at the inappropriateness of the joke.

Better joke: "This guy got a Victoria Cross for killing brown people? We'd better give one to the rocks at Christmas Island then."

By intentionally misconstruing the reason for the Corporal's award, and using racism to link it to the deaths of dozens of other people from that general area, Ms Stynes could assure herself of causing maximum offence to everybody, thereby causing her joke to achieve critical mass and swallow the entire world.

Bonus advice: George Negus

Veteran newsreader George Negus also came under fire, for speculating that the Corporal was probably an inadequate lover. I'm baffled as to why the show's only 69-year old male panellist was wondering about Roberts-Smith's sexual performance, but whatever. I'm just a humour consultant.

"I'd give my own performance a perfect Ten!"

Suggested improvements:

Since George is clearly preoccupied by the build of the Corporal, we'll stay on a sexual theme with the suggested better jokes.

"His muscles are all so big that he probably has a small penis. That's factual, you can trust me on it. I used to be a reporter."

"Women don't want a man that looks like a fridge, they're attracted to great pubic hair and thirty-year old Logies."

"I feel sorry for his wife; all that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder probably causes impotence."

South Sydney Rabbitohs name 12 additional captains

After announcing that the 2012 captaincy will be split amongst five players, the South Sydney Rabbitohs have decided to extend the policy and have named an additional dozen captains of the side.

The five original captains, Michael Crocker, John Sutton, Roy Asotasi, Matt King, and Sam Burgess, will be joined by the remaining players named in the side each week.

"It's an exciting development," said owner Russell Crowe. "Melbourne used a rotating captaincy system to win the minor premiership in 2006, and we're taking it one step further by extending the leadership group to include every single player in the team."

Head coach Michael Maguire was tight-lipped about the finer details of the team structure, but hinted that it was very likely all the players would be captain in every game.

"For a long time now, the only thing we've had a chance at winning on the field is the coin toss," he said. "Now, rather than only one player enjoying that success, the entire team get to play a part in the victory."

If successful, the club plans to extend the captaincy beyond the first 17 and include players from other clubs, as well as people from outside rugby league.

"Cameron Smith is a great leader; we'd love to have him on board as a co-captain," said Crowe. "And I've always been a fan of Ben Hornby. I think that, along with Ridley Scott, Margaret Thatcher, and Ben Kenobi, they'll make for the strongest leadership in the NRL."