Sunday, August 7, 2011

Shocking Secrets of the Soviet Supermen


The Cold War was a time of huge technological leaps, especially in terms of military hardware. Unknown to the rest of the world, the USSR were breeding a new race of super-soldiers, more powerful and destructive than anything the West could offer. Now, 20 years after the fall of the Soviet Union, we can finally reveal photographic evidence of this shocking program.


Having intercepted American transmissions of the television show The Incredible Hulk, the first program aimed to replicate the secrets of Lou Ferrigno's powers. Students were bombarded with extreme amounts of gamma rays in order to alter their DNA.


The second phase of this program was, of course, to inspire the kind of anger that caused the Hulk's transformation. To achieve this, the subjects were forced to shit in coffee cups while a photographer took their picture and teased them about the size of their genitals. In the background, you can see one of the subjects spazzing out and beginning the transformation process.


Unfortunately, upon reaching adulthood, the subjects refused to fight Americans, preferring instead to wear tiny tank tops, flex for exclusively male crowds, and visit bath houses.


Everyone has seen the photos of tanks and rockets paraded through Red Square; these children actually led the parades. The signs their handlers hold up say 'Beware, Americans!' and 'NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!'

Another program involved increasing muscle density so that subjects were stronger. This is the secret behind all the gold medals the Soviets won for weightlifting. As you can see in the photo, thisregular-looking office secretary actually weighs four hundred kilograms.









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