The newspaper has held little interest to me in recent days, concerning itself almost solely with the critical coverage of Oprah's trip to Australia to find a suitable candidate for her genetic experiments to cure chronic equine halitosis.
(N.B. I don't actually know what Oprah does.)
However, buried deep within the mass of hysterical celebrity worship came the revelation that radio star Andy Lee has split from longtime girlfriend, supermodel Megan Gale.
Having waited four years for this to happen, I have wasted no time in calling the offices of her management company several dozen times to ask her out on a date. However, the receptionist has advised me each time that Ms Gale is unavailable, due to "stop calling this number or I'll notify the police."
This photo will be fantastic decoration at my 170th birthday party.
Until she returns from said pressing engagement, I've devoted my time to preparing a list of reasons as to why Ms Gale should consider me for her next romantic dalliance.
Please note: This list is for entertainment/seduction purposes only, not to be used as evidence in court.
4. Megan, as you approach 40, the media will begin to question how well your looks are holding up. They've done so in the past, making snide, cruel remarks about other beautiful women; the Sydney Morning Herald once referred to Elle Macpherson as 'the shadow of a once beautiful woman', while Women's Weekly magazine made the observation that 'Jane Fonda looks like a nightmare sculpted from cat arseholes'.
Do you know who will never question your looks in newspapers or magazines? Me.
Also, whilst not ugly enough to be consistently mistaken for a houseplant, I am plain enough to make you look even more stunning by comparison. Let's refer to this the 'Andy Lee Effect'.
3. In an interview with Fairfax, you said that it was 'effortless' for you to be with Andy. Keeping this in mind, I promise to put no effort at all into our relationship.
2. Since I don't have a wise-cracking co-host to constantly remind the audience that I'm dating you, I promise to remind everyone personally. This will involve: daily Facebook status updates (Estoban Diecesiete is bangin' Megan Gale. Eat shit everybody else!), forcing random people on the street to high five me, entering the newsagency and autographing every copy of any magazine which features your photo, and boneheading all your photoshoots.
1. And, finally, a word of caution: get back to me soon, Megan, because I just heard that Scarlett Johansson is back on the market too. This stallion can't run free forever. Call me!
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