In his recent and well-publicised appearance on the televised wildlife documentary show Oprah, Australian film and stage actor Hugh Jackman injured himself in a stunt gone wrong.
Best known for his role as Flying Fox in the hit film X-Men Origins: Zipline, Jackman was trying to exploit his zipline related fame by riding from the roof of the Sydney Opera House down to a stage filled with former celebrities.
In an unforseen turn of events, the acceleration caused him to hit the end of the line with such speed that his enormous head interacted violently with the stage, causing $2.1 million dollars of property damage. The resultant injury stopped the planned act of Jackman, Bono, Bon Jovi and Russell Crowe from combining into the Voltron of middle-aged housewife fantasies.
Immediately, the internet filled with speculation as to why Jackman had not just used the stairs. Had Oprah not invited him, and he was using special forces tactics to gain entry to her show? Does he suffer from a quadricep injury that prohibits him from tackling steps or inclined planes? If neither of the above answers are true, it's likely that the entire debacle was a cheap stunt designed specifically to injure Jackman. With that in mind, may I present a list of alternatives, for the next time somebody wants to maim Hugh Jackman.
Ask Hugh Jackman to appear in your advertisement for flavoured iced tea. Tell Hugh Jackman that the filming will involve a choreographed dance around a hotel lobby; ask him to bring his finest tap dancing shoes. When Hugh Jackman is not looking, coat the floor in a thick film of peanut oil and film him slipping over as he tries to execute the complex dance motions. Film fifteen minutes of this and sell it to media outlets as Hugh Jackman On Iced Tea (a.k.a. crystal meth).
When Hugh Jackman is in your green room, preparing for your show by demanding a bowl of blue M&Ms, a copy of Who Magazine, and a bag of hamsters, sneak up behind Hugh Jackman and hit him in the head with a cricket bat.
As you announce Hugh Jackman's name, and he enters the stage for his interview, arrange for a live cow to be dropped on Hugh Jackman.
Hugh Jackman is promoting his latest musical, Fruity Dancer: The Cereal Mascot Story. He is scheduled to appear at quarter-time during the Super Bowl. As he takes to the centre of the field, have all 32 NFL quarterbacks step out of the shadows holding footballs. They cock their arms, preparing to release a flurry of pigskin directly at Hugh Jackman. As he cowers in fear, have them drop the balls harmlessly to the ground. As a consummate professional, Hugh Jackman will laugh it off and continue his act; this is when you hit him with the wrecking ball.
Hugh Jackman wants to gain 12kgs of muscle for his next Wolverine movie. Replace his protein powder with laxatives. After six weeks, when he is unable to maintain any weight and is a sleepless, sickly, frail husk of a man, ask his wife, Deborah Lee Furness, out to dinner to 'get her away from all that'. Share intimate moments and lingering looks over dinner, and when kissing her cheek goodnight, kiss her for just that moment too long.
Continue to see Deborah for months afterwards, growing ever closer, until one day, when Hugh Jackman is away filming a movie, she invites you home for a night of passionate, clandestine lovemaking.
In the morning, as you smile at Deborah while you button up your shirt, excuse yourself to the bathroom, where you shit on Hugh Jackman's toothbrush.
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