Scientists waste time on pointless study

In a shocking revelation, Israeli scientist have discovered that a woman crying makes men less sexually aroused. Women participating in the groundbreaking study were asked to watch scenes of the 1979 film The Champ, and in something far creepier than harvesting the semen from animals, the scientists collected the women's tears.

"What a tear-rible idea! Ha-ha, but seriously, Janet, this really is fucked up."

Astonishingly, the tears were not used to power a nightmare-machine or as an ingredient in an evil witch's potion. A group of men were asked to sniff the tears, and then their level of sexual arousal was measured. Scientists monitored their testosterone levels and brain functions, and finally discovered that crying women are not arousing to men.

One has to wonder who it was that commissioned this study. Actually, I wonder who even came up with the hypothesis. Perhaps some professor was unable to control his raging boners during a funeral, and wanted to know if it was the crying women or the fresh corpse that was inspiring him.

But how do you find funding for such a thing? Having no idea of how researchers work, I imagine a pair of white-coated scientists holding a powerpoint presentation in the offices of, say, Coca-Cola, trying to get sponsorship to do science.

"We all know that if a girl is crying while you try to have sex with her, it means she's not into it, but does it mean that you're not into it too?"

With that wholly unrealistic idea in mind, I've formulated my own scientific hypotheses, which I hope the wealthy industrialists that make up my readership will sponsor.

Hypothesis: Chicks love rich dudes

Research materials needed: Fine silks, a yacht, money

Abstract: It's often mused that women are 'gold diggers' who are only interested in men for their wealth. In order to test this theory, I plan to dress in the finest attire, including waistcoat, monocle, top hat, and cane, and sail my expensive yacht downtown, to cruise for chicks.

Hypothesis: Taco Bell tastes better under the influence of LSD.

Research Materials needed: A Taco Bell restaurant*, LSD.

Abstract: What effects do LSD have on the human taste buds? More specifically, what effects do LSD have on the human taste buds whilst eating Taco Bell?

*It is recommended that an entire restaurant be procured for this purpose, as the subject hates waiting in line.

Hypothesis: Drunk dogs are hilarious.

Research materials needed: Dogs, Carlton Dry.

Abstract: It's dogs. Drinking beer. That's awesome.

Hypothesis: That I will never get tired of having sex with Scarlett Johannsen.

Research materials needed: Scarlett Johannsen

Abstract: To test the body's ability to endure the very specific condition of animalistic, marathon sex with Scarlett Johannsen, the subject must be exposed to the real thing. With Scarlett making a foray into big-budget feature films, the need for such an experiment is too obvious to insult your intelligence by explaining.