The secret ingredient is out! (it's semen.)

Headlines were made today when a supermarket employee handing out yoghurt was arrested after accusations that the yoghurt tasted of semen. The victim alleges that he contaminated the yoghurt with his ejaculate, a refreshing change to the popular 'spraying it all over her face' method.







The woman claimed she spat the yoghurt out immediately after she tasted semen.
Instantly, this brings some questions to mind.
- What semen-to-yoghurt ratio is required for the semen flavour to overpower that of the yoghurt?
- As a sub-question, was the yoghurt flavoured or natural?
- Did the employee masturbate directly into the yoghurt, at work, or did he collect his semen at home and bring it into the supermarket with him, like in a zip-loc bag, or maybe a tupperware container?




This incident has raised memories of other surprising finds in seemingly regular foods over the years:

- A Kentucky Fried Chicken customer is horrified to discover, in a bucket of breasts, wings, and legs, a deep fried human testicle;
- Kelloggs are forced to recall ten thousand units of Sultana Bran after it is discovered that, in an understandable factory mixup, the bran flakes have been replaced with scabs;
- A popular Sydney bakery is closed down after it is discovered that the proprieter had been sneaking into the premises overnight and reading erotic poetry to the pies;
- Coca-Cola admits to inviting all staff to spit into their product in a blatant act of disdain for customers;
- Lewis Simpson, of Frankston, Victoria, makes national headlines when he buys one dozen chicken eggs from Coles, which all hatch into snakes;
- To make their gum more chewy, Wrigleys add pieces of recycled condoms to the mix;
- A Korean restaurant in Parramatta becomes the talk of the town when Department of Health tests reveal that not one single dish contains traces of dog meat;
- Not one existing consumer is deterred when it is revealed that McDonalds actively encourage their staff to hide pubes in the burgers.

Bob Brown tenders resignation from the Australian Greens

Leader of the Australian Greens party, Senator Bob Brown, has publicly blamed the coal industry for the current flooding in Queensland.
Sen. Brown said that burning coal is "the single biggest cause for climate change, and must now take its major share of responsibility for the weather events we are seeing unfolding now."
Unless he's a hypocrite, we can take this as Brown's resignation, because on the same day one month ago, he called for the resignation of Andrew Bolt from the Daily Telegraph over his political pointscoring "while bodies were still in the ocean." With the Queensland tragedy still ongoing, and many bodies yet to be recovered, Senator Brown is obviously performing a very public and hilarious type of career seppuku.

"No, but the rules are different for me."

Blaming the floods, which, historically, are about on par with others in Brisbane's past, including the 8.35 metre floods of 1893, is either opportunistic agenda-pushing, or Brown's secret way of telling us that climate change is actually making flooding less severe, and we should all buy Ford F150's.

But, if there's one thing that I love more than anything else, it's baseless speculation of an inflammatory and offensive variety. So let's go and check out the other theories doing the rounds as to the origin of the floods.

Theory: Coal use caused the floods
Senator Brown and journalist Matthew Wright have both claimed that climate change is to blame for the floods, pointing the finger at the coal industry. However, with 8.4 metre floods in 1841, 7 metre floods in 1844, and 5.3 metre floods in 1890, the evil influence of Big Coal is difficult to blame, considering that back in those days Ebenezeer Scrooge refused to burn any of the coal.

Better theory: Renewable energy caused the floods
With solar power and wind turbines being relatively recent forms of power generation, one has to entertain the idea that they are the root cause of the current storms and flooding.
Actually finding a scientific reason to blame them is a little more difficult, but nobody else is really using science, so we don't have to bother either. Perhaps if those solar panels weren't hogging all the sunshine, it wouldn't be so damn rainy in Queensland? QED, bitches.


Theory: Not enough dams
The floods have caused people to wonder why local councils and the State government haven't built more dams around the place. Fulfilling the dual roles of reducing the water flowing into towns, and storing that water in preparation for the next drought, more dams seems like an elegant solution to the problem.

Better theory: Not enough water parks
Queensland, specifically the Gold Coast, is famous for four theme parks, only two of which are water-themed. While Wet N Wild Water World and Sea World are doing their part to prevent flooding, Movie World could well be doing more, by building attractions based on the following movies:
- The Perfect Storm ship ride
- The Deep Blue Sea scary shark tunnel
- Speed 2: Cruise Control: The Licenced Bar
- The Kevin Costner's Waterworld public toilet block


Theory: God sent the floods to punish Kevin Rudd
Pastor Daniel Nalliah, from the Catch The Fire Ministry, wrote a blog claiming that the floods were punishment against Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd for speaking out against Israel.
"It is very interesting, because Kevin Rudd is from Queensland. Is God trying to get our attention? I believe so."
Pastor Nalliah also blamed the Victorian bushfires on that state's decision to legalise abortion.

Better theory: God sent the floods to punish Queensland for Willie Mason
After his career was finally destroyed by a series of public urination-related events, Willie Mason looked certain to fade from the public eye, until the North Queensland Cowboys signed him on a one-year deal.
An angry, Old Testament God is a great explanation for the flooding, as the Bible shows He is not big on forgiveness or second chances, and quite often slew men, women, and children completely unrelated to whatever has pissed Him off.

Scientists waste time on pointless study

In a shocking revelation, Israeli scientist have discovered that a woman crying makes men less sexually aroused. Women participating in the groundbreaking study were asked to watch scenes of the 1979 film The Champ, and in something far creepier than harvesting the semen from animals, the scientists collected the women's tears.

"What a tear-rible idea! Ha-ha, but seriously, Janet, this really is fucked up."

Astonishingly, the tears were not used to power a nightmare-machine or as an ingredient in an evil witch's potion. A group of men were asked to sniff the tears, and then their level of sexual arousal was measured. Scientists monitored their testosterone levels and brain functions, and finally discovered that crying women are not arousing to men.

One has to wonder who it was that commissioned this study. Actually, I wonder who even came up with the hypothesis. Perhaps some professor was unable to control his raging boners during a funeral, and wanted to know if it was the crying women or the fresh corpse that was inspiring him.

But how do you find funding for such a thing? Having no idea of how researchers work, I imagine a pair of white-coated scientists holding a powerpoint presentation in the offices of, say, Coca-Cola, trying to get sponsorship to do science.

"We all know that if a girl is crying while you try to have sex with her, it means she's not into it, but does it mean that you're not into it too?"

With that wholly unrealistic idea in mind, I've formulated my own scientific hypotheses, which I hope the wealthy industrialists that make up my readership will sponsor.

Hypothesis: Chicks love rich dudes

Research materials needed: Fine silks, a yacht, money

Abstract: It's often mused that women are 'gold diggers' who are only interested in men for their wealth. In order to test this theory, I plan to dress in the finest attire, including waistcoat, monocle, top hat, and cane, and sail my expensive yacht downtown, to cruise for chicks.

Hypothesis: Taco Bell tastes better under the influence of LSD.

Research Materials needed: A Taco Bell restaurant*, LSD.

Abstract: What effects do LSD have on the human taste buds? More specifically, what effects do LSD have on the human taste buds whilst eating Taco Bell?

*It is recommended that an entire restaurant be procured for this purpose, as the subject hates waiting in line.

Hypothesis: Drunk dogs are hilarious.

Research materials needed: Dogs, Carlton Dry.

Abstract: It's dogs. Drinking beer. That's awesome.

Hypothesis: That I will never get tired of having sex with Scarlett Johannsen.

Research materials needed: Scarlett Johannsen

Abstract: To test the body's ability to endure the very specific condition of animalistic, marathon sex with Scarlett Johannsen, the subject must be exposed to the real thing. With Scarlett making a foray into big-budget feature films, the need for such an experiment is too obvious to insult your intelligence by explaining.