Shocking Secrets of the Soviet Supermen

The Cold War was a time of huge technological leaps, especially in terms of military hardware. Unknown to the rest of the world, the USSR were breeding a new race of super-soldiers, more powerful and destructive than anything the West could offer. Now, 20 years after the fall of the Soviet Union, we can finally reveal photographic evidence of this shocking program.

Having intercepted American transmissions of the television show The Incredible Hulk, the first program aimed to replicate the secrets of Lou Ferrigno's powers. Students were bombarded with extreme amounts of gamma rays in order to alter their DNA.

The second phase of this program was, of course, to inspire the kind of anger that caused the Hulk's transformation. To achieve this, the subjects were forced to shit in coffee cups while a photographer took their picture and teased them about the size of their genitals. In the background, you can see one of the subjects spazzing out and beginning the transformation process.

Unfortunately, upon reaching adulthood, the subjects refused to fight Americans, preferring instead to wear tiny tank tops, flex for exclusively male crowds, and visit bath houses.

Everyone has seen the photos of tanks and rockets paraded through Red Square; these children actually led the parades. The signs their handlers hold up say 'Beware, Americans!' and 'NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!'

Another program involved increasing muscle density so that subjects were stronger. This is the secret behind all the gold medals the Soviets won for weightlifting. As you can see in the photo, thisregular-looking office secretary actually weighs four hundred kilograms.

Donald Trump comments on bin Laden: "Where's the Death Certificate?"

REUTERS: In the aftermath of President Obama claiming to have finally found and killed notorious Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Donald Trump has called for more proof that the terrorist is, in fact, dead.

"Sure, Obama says he has the body in his possession, but where's the long-form Death Certificate?" asked the potential 2012 Republican candidate.
Trump has pointed out the long-running rumours that bin Laden had been hiding in Afghanistan, when the US claims to have killed him in Pakistan.

The reality TV stalwart also cites conflicting reports - over whether bin Laden was killed in a compound, or a mansion, as first reported.

"I am saying I want to see the death certificate. It's very simple. How come Obama's own operatives don't know what kind of building bin Laden was killed in? How come -- forget about death certificates. Let's say there is no death certificate. How come in the compound itself, okay? In the compound itself, there's no records of his death. In other words, it doesn't say how much they paid, where is the shooter, here's your room bill."

Critics of Trump have called him racist, accusing him of only asking for a Death Certificate because bin Laden is an Arab, and that no white terrorist has ever come under such scrutiny.

"Put it this way, he's never asked for Timothy McVeigh's Death Certificate," said one source.

The Government's Carbon Tax, explained graphically

In My Defence, by Judith Slade

NTFSD has brought you some exclusive content in the past. We broke the news that Hosni Mubarak had stepped down as President of Egypt, and spread to the world the edited texts of Charlie Sheen's diaries from rehab. Now, in another first for the site, accused 'hoon' Judith Slade, 82, sat down with us to discuss her recent traffic violations.
As she is currently housebound and unable to drive, we met at her house, a typical regional Victorian abode. Outside, her dog Aca runs freely through the yard, chasing a flock of galahs that are pecking through the lawn. The distant sound of his yapping floats in through the screen door.
Judith carries herself with the typical no-nonsense manner of country women her age, gruff and to the point.




Estoban Diecesiete: Good afternoon, Judith, and thanks for your time. Let's get right into it. You made headlines six months ago when you lost your licence, and found yourself again in the news after being booked for drink-driving over the weekend.
You've been branded a hoon by the Herald Sun, and it's readers have floated a number of reasons behind your behaviour; that you're an arrogant, unrepentant, irresponsible driver; that you don't understand the severity of your actions; or that you're batshit insane and need to be put down. You've got the stage now; what do you have to say to those people?

Judith Slade: Oh, bugger you lot. I didn't do any harm. It's quite cruel that they're treating me this way.

ED: When you were booked for drink driving, you seemed surprised that unlicenced drivers are expected to have zero blood alcohol. Didn't it occur to you that unlicenced drivers aren't actually meant to be driving at all?

JS: If they didn't want me to drive unlicenced, they shouldn't have taken my licence off me, should they?

ED: That... makes some kind of sense, I imagine. Now, when you originally lost your licence for speeding at 164km/h, you blamed the speed on your dog playfully jumping on your leg and forcing the accelerator-

JS: (interrupting) No. I didn't say that.

ED: Er... you did blame your dog for it...

JS: I never said 'playfully'.

ED: (pausing) What do you mean?

Judith swallows, seeming a little nervous. It's the first time I've seen her uneasy. She shifts in her chair and loosens her collar.

JS: I mean, he meant to make me speed.

ED: I don't understand. You mean your dog knowingly forced you to speed? Why would he do that?

JS: Well, I was seeing my secret lover that weekend, and we were driving behind his car at the time. Aca has been acting differently since I started seeing this man, and...

ED: Are you implying that your dog tried to commit vehicular manslaughter against your lover out of jealousy?

JS: Yes.

I pause, looking down at my notes. I originally saw this as an opportunity to make fun of an octegenarian; now, I had been given the wonderful gift of a crazy woman, too. Maybe there is a god.

ED: Okay, what about this weekend's incident: you were caught drink-driving to get a powersaw, which you said was for home renovations. What kind of home renovations does a drunk 82-year old need to do with a power saw, really?

JS: I wasn't caught driving; the police came to my door after I'd parked the car. They only know because somebody called them and told them.

ED: Do you know who that was?

She shoots a nervous glance out the window; I notice, almost subconsciously, that Aca's barking has stopped.

ED: Come on, you're not saying that the dog called the cops? Why would he dob you in?

JS: The papers never said that the police took the power saw.

Suddenly, it dawns on me. I lean in, a soft expression on my face, taking a sympathetic tone of voice.

ED: Judith, by 'home renovations' you actually mean 'executing your dog', don't you?

She nods at me slowly, a sadness older than myself lingering in her eyes. I can't believe that this 82 year old repeat hoon just confessed that she was going to brutally murder her dog. This is a comedy goldmine. I smugly allow myself to wet my pants, just a little bit.

ED: So, why such a brutal method of death for him? Why not just put him in a sack and throw him into a river somewhere?

JS: He's far too smart for that. I was planning on making it look like an accident; like I was cutting a sunroof into his kennel for him, but then slipped repeatedly and cut him into tiny pieces, and then burnt them in a church.

I scoff.

ED: Oh come on, you're really going over the top here now-

Judith is frozen, staring over my shoulder. Her lip starts to quiver, and I see tears forming in her eyes. Turning to see what she's looking at, I find myself facing Aca, who sits motionless at the window, save for the slow shaking of his head, like he's saying No, Judith, No.
You can see in his eyes that he is dead inside.

ED: Well, that's bizarre. Apart from trying to run your lover off the road, what else has Aca done?

Judith doesn't take her eyes off the dog as she whispers her answer to me, so quietly it barely makes a sound.

JS: 9/11.

ED: Well. That's about all I need for my article. I'll show myself out.

I gather my things and head for the door, chuckling to myself. Opening the door, I find Aca sitting silently on the doormat, looking at me with those dead eyes.

ED: Why, hello there, little fella. Did you want to come inside and play with your mummy?

He stands, slowly and deliberately, and walks into the house. I close the door behind me and get into my car, still giggling about the crazy woman. Neon Trees come on the radio, and I start singing along. With the sun beating down from a cloudless sky and a soft breeze rustling through the trees, I pull out of the driveway, leaving the sounds of crying and chainsaws behind me.

The secret ingredient is out! (it's semen.)

Headlines were made today when a supermarket employee handing out yoghurt was arrested after accusations that the yoghurt tasted of semen. The victim alleges that he contaminated the yoghurt with his ejaculate, a refreshing change to the popular 'spraying it all over her face' method.







The woman claimed she spat the yoghurt out immediately after she tasted semen.
Instantly, this brings some questions to mind.
- What semen-to-yoghurt ratio is required for the semen flavour to overpower that of the yoghurt?
- As a sub-question, was the yoghurt flavoured or natural?
- Did the employee masturbate directly into the yoghurt, at work, or did he collect his semen at home and bring it into the supermarket with him, like in a zip-loc bag, or maybe a tupperware container?




This incident has raised memories of other surprising finds in seemingly regular foods over the years:

- A Kentucky Fried Chicken customer is horrified to discover, in a bucket of breasts, wings, and legs, a deep fried human testicle;
- Kelloggs are forced to recall ten thousand units of Sultana Bran after it is discovered that, in an understandable factory mixup, the bran flakes have been replaced with scabs;
- A popular Sydney bakery is closed down after it is discovered that the proprieter had been sneaking into the premises overnight and reading erotic poetry to the pies;
- Coca-Cola admits to inviting all staff to spit into their product in a blatant act of disdain for customers;
- Lewis Simpson, of Frankston, Victoria, makes national headlines when he buys one dozen chicken eggs from Coles, which all hatch into snakes;
- To make their gum more chewy, Wrigleys add pieces of recycled condoms to the mix;
- A Korean restaurant in Parramatta becomes the talk of the town when Department of Health tests reveal that not one single dish contains traces of dog meat;
- Not one existing consumer is deterred when it is revealed that McDonalds actively encourage their staff to hide pubes in the burgers.

Bob Brown tenders resignation from the Australian Greens

Leader of the Australian Greens party, Senator Bob Brown, has publicly blamed the coal industry for the current flooding in Queensland.
Sen. Brown said that burning coal is "the single biggest cause for climate change, and must now take its major share of responsibility for the weather events we are seeing unfolding now."
Unless he's a hypocrite, we can take this as Brown's resignation, because on the same day one month ago, he called for the resignation of Andrew Bolt from the Daily Telegraph over his political pointscoring "while bodies were still in the ocean." With the Queensland tragedy still ongoing, and many bodies yet to be recovered, Senator Brown is obviously performing a very public and hilarious type of career seppuku.

"No, but the rules are different for me."

Blaming the floods, which, historically, are about on par with others in Brisbane's past, including the 8.35 metre floods of 1893, is either opportunistic agenda-pushing, or Brown's secret way of telling us that climate change is actually making flooding less severe, and we should all buy Ford F150's.

But, if there's one thing that I love more than anything else, it's baseless speculation of an inflammatory and offensive variety. So let's go and check out the other theories doing the rounds as to the origin of the floods.

Theory: Coal use caused the floods
Senator Brown and journalist Matthew Wright have both claimed that climate change is to blame for the floods, pointing the finger at the coal industry. However, with 8.4 metre floods in 1841, 7 metre floods in 1844, and 5.3 metre floods in 1890, the evil influence of Big Coal is difficult to blame, considering that back in those days Ebenezeer Scrooge refused to burn any of the coal.

Better theory: Renewable energy caused the floods
With solar power and wind turbines being relatively recent forms of power generation, one has to entertain the idea that they are the root cause of the current storms and flooding.
Actually finding a scientific reason to blame them is a little more difficult, but nobody else is really using science, so we don't have to bother either. Perhaps if those solar panels weren't hogging all the sunshine, it wouldn't be so damn rainy in Queensland? QED, bitches.


Theory: Not enough dams
The floods have caused people to wonder why local councils and the State government haven't built more dams around the place. Fulfilling the dual roles of reducing the water flowing into towns, and storing that water in preparation for the next drought, more dams seems like an elegant solution to the problem.

Better theory: Not enough water parks
Queensland, specifically the Gold Coast, is famous for four theme parks, only two of which are water-themed. While Wet N Wild Water World and Sea World are doing their part to prevent flooding, Movie World could well be doing more, by building attractions based on the following movies:
- The Perfect Storm ship ride
- The Deep Blue Sea scary shark tunnel
- Speed 2: Cruise Control: The Licenced Bar
- The Kevin Costner's Waterworld public toilet block


Theory: God sent the floods to punish Kevin Rudd
Pastor Daniel Nalliah, from the Catch The Fire Ministry, wrote a blog claiming that the floods were punishment against Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd for speaking out against Israel.
"It is very interesting, because Kevin Rudd is from Queensland. Is God trying to get our attention? I believe so."
Pastor Nalliah also blamed the Victorian bushfires on that state's decision to legalise abortion.

Better theory: God sent the floods to punish Queensland for Willie Mason
After his career was finally destroyed by a series of public urination-related events, Willie Mason looked certain to fade from the public eye, until the North Queensland Cowboys signed him on a one-year deal.
An angry, Old Testament God is a great explanation for the flooding, as the Bible shows He is not big on forgiveness or second chances, and quite often slew men, women, and children completely unrelated to whatever has pissed Him off.

Scientists waste time on pointless study

In a shocking revelation, Israeli scientist have discovered that a woman crying makes men less sexually aroused. Women participating in the groundbreaking study were asked to watch scenes of the 1979 film The Champ, and in something far creepier than harvesting the semen from animals, the scientists collected the women's tears.

"What a tear-rible idea! Ha-ha, but seriously, Janet, this really is fucked up."

Astonishingly, the tears were not used to power a nightmare-machine or as an ingredient in an evil witch's potion. A group of men were asked to sniff the tears, and then their level of sexual arousal was measured. Scientists monitored their testosterone levels and brain functions, and finally discovered that crying women are not arousing to men.

One has to wonder who it was that commissioned this study. Actually, I wonder who even came up with the hypothesis. Perhaps some professor was unable to control his raging boners during a funeral, and wanted to know if it was the crying women or the fresh corpse that was inspiring him.

But how do you find funding for such a thing? Having no idea of how researchers work, I imagine a pair of white-coated scientists holding a powerpoint presentation in the offices of, say, Coca-Cola, trying to get sponsorship to do science.

"We all know that if a girl is crying while you try to have sex with her, it means she's not into it, but does it mean that you're not into it too?"

With that wholly unrealistic idea in mind, I've formulated my own scientific hypotheses, which I hope the wealthy industrialists that make up my readership will sponsor.

Hypothesis: Chicks love rich dudes

Research materials needed: Fine silks, a yacht, money

Abstract: It's often mused that women are 'gold diggers' who are only interested in men for their wealth. In order to test this theory, I plan to dress in the finest attire, including waistcoat, monocle, top hat, and cane, and sail my expensive yacht downtown, to cruise for chicks.

Hypothesis: Taco Bell tastes better under the influence of LSD.

Research Materials needed: A Taco Bell restaurant*, LSD.

Abstract: What effects do LSD have on the human taste buds? More specifically, what effects do LSD have on the human taste buds whilst eating Taco Bell?

*It is recommended that an entire restaurant be procured for this purpose, as the subject hates waiting in line.

Hypothesis: Drunk dogs are hilarious.

Research materials needed: Dogs, Carlton Dry.

Abstract: It's dogs. Drinking beer. That's awesome.

Hypothesis: That I will never get tired of having sex with Scarlett Johannsen.

Research materials needed: Scarlett Johannsen

Abstract: To test the body's ability to endure the very specific condition of animalistic, marathon sex with Scarlett Johannsen, the subject must be exposed to the real thing. With Scarlett making a foray into big-budget feature films, the need for such an experiment is too obvious to insult your intelligence by explaining.